Author: Ellen Flannery-Schroeder

Self-Respect

Your child is braver, stronger, and more independent than ever! Your child is a unique person with their own personality.  You’ll continue to be surprised by all of the things that they can do!  Giving your child jobs or opportunities to make decisions helps them build confidence, self-respect, and independence.  

Build Their Independence

Help your child to develop independence by giving them choices in their day-to-day activities. Encouraging them to do tasks on their own.

Get Them Involved

Your child might not be able to clean the kitchen, cut the grass, or do all the laundry, but that doesn’t mean they can’t help!

Set small goals for your child that you are sure they can complete. Such as bringing their dishes to the sink or putting clean clothes away.

Make grocery lists together!  As your child becomes better and better at writing, ask them to make a list of some foods to buy each week.  Younger kids can draw a picture of the foods they would love to try. 

If your big kid’s little fingers are good at sorting foods and zipping up zip-lock bags, let them help you pack their lunch.  Some 8-year olds may be able to pack their lunch on their own!

Show them how to do different things around the house, even if they are too young to do those tasks on their own. For example, show them how to use the washing machine, the vacuum, or the dishwasher. Children love learning, so foster that curiosity!

Answer Their Questions

Be open with your child about what it means to “grow up.”  Your child might be confused or nervous about changes they see in their bodies or in their friendships.  Having these discussions early will help your growing child develop respect for themselves and the people around them. 

Tips for using conversations to help your child build self-respect.

• Let your child know that you are always there to talk, whether they’re super excited about something that they learned in school or if they encounter problems with friends, such as peer pressure or bullying.
• Teach your child to ask directly when they need emotional support from you. This will remind your child that their opinions and feelings matter and that they should advocate for themselves.
• Listen to your child.  If they tell you that they’re feeling uncomfortable about something, take them seriously and listen closely.

Conversations to have with your child about self-respect.

• Talk to your child about the importance of boundaries.  While hugs and kisses might be part of the daily routine in your family, it might not be the case with friends and adults outside the home.  Discuss when, where, and with whom it is okay to show their affection.
• Discuss the importance of taking care of themselves and speaking up when they need something. This is often called self-care.

 

What is self-care?

Taking a break when you are overtired

Brushing your teeth, brushing your hair, or getting dressed

Walking away from a fight instead of yelling or hitting

Doing an activity you love, like drawing, reading, or dancing

Self-Esteem

Focus on victories!

Celebrating the moments when your child is being independent will help them to feel good about their abilities.  This will make them more likely to try tasks on their own in the future.

Tips for Praising Your Child

1. Make a “big deal” about all kinds of achievements, including getting ready for bed on their own, sharing with a younger sibling, and putting their plate in the sink without being asked.

2. Give a lot of sincere praise, but don’t go overboard. Find two or three things each day that your child did that is praiseworthy.

3. Be specific about why you are proud. You can say things like, “it was really thoughtful of you to help grandpa find his glasses.”

4. Praise your child for their effort instead of praising them for the outcome. For example, say, “I’m proud of how hard you worked on that math assignment” instead of focusing on the grade they got. Even if something doesn’t go as planned, note the time and hard work they put in.

Let your child soar!

Give them small fun tasks to start with and then build up to more challenging ones. As they develop their skills, think of ways to make activities slightly more difficult to help them see that they can do it! 

• To set your child up for success, set reasonable goals for them.
• If they can’t do something the first time they try, be supportive and don’t criticize. Learning to overcome moments of disappointment is an important skill for building confidence in the long run. 
• Play to their strengths! When they are having trouble completing a task, point out the parts of the task that they are doing well and help them to avoid giving up.

Encourage your child to use positive self-talk to cheer themselves on and to help them feel more confident.

• Using positive self-talk will help your child motivate themselves to face problems head-on. This builds self-esteem!

Competence

Your child is starting to discover things that they are great at – whether it’s singing, drawing, sharing, or cracking jokes. They are also facing new experiences that are difficult. Let them work through challenging tasks, giving them a chance to solve problems without too much help. Fixing problems on their own helps them to see that they are able make things better own their own.

It’s their time to shine!

Let your child have opportunities to explore new activities and find things that they enjoy and are good at (even if they mess up along the way)! 

Free for all! Allow your child some time for free play so they can develop their own interests. Your child will strengthen their creative and imaginative “muscles” when they are in charge of their time.

• Watch your child play. Pay attention to the things that they really enjoy, are uninterested in, or find difficult. 
• Free time gives your child the chance to work in groups, share toys, make up rules for games, and speak up for themselves if they think something is unfair.

Children want to help, so give your child the chance to help you and others throughout the day. Showing your child that their behavior can have a positive effect on others can make them feel more confident. Find ways to show them that you believe they can get things done and are happy with the help they provided.

Mission accomplished! Help your child to become responsible by creating opportunities for them to complete mini assignments. Having your child do small jobs gives them a sense of importance and accomplishment. Let them…

• Check items off the grocery list.
• Help a sibling zipper their coat.
• Fold napkins for the dinner table. 

Think ahead! Encourage your child to prepare for future events so that they know how to plan ahead. 

• Let them help you plan an upcoming activity by giving them choices and responsibilities.
• Have them think about what can happen in situations that they haven’t faced before and discuss what they might do. For example, what could happen if they go to a birthday party for a new classmate, or you are late when picking them up from school?

Finding their voice!

While knowing how to fix problems is important, your child should also be able to think and talk about the parts that are difficult for them. 

• Be their guide when they’re lost! If your child is feeling overwhelmed, remind them how to calm their body down and point out different ways they might solve the problem.
• Teach them that it’s okay to need help! Sometimes your child will not be able to handle a tricky situation. Let them know that they can and should ask for help when they need it. Competence is not only knowing what you can do, but also knowing when you need help.
• Encourage your child to discuss when they need something, whether it’s help on their homework, a few minutes of alone time, or a shoulder to lean on. Older children (and even adults!) need reminders to talk through difficult experiences too.

Self-Respect

When your child believes that they can accomplish goals on their own and are proud of their choices, they are building their sense of self-respect.  Encourage them to make their bed, help set the table, and brush their teeth! Give them little jobs to build confidence, self-respect, and independence.

Children will learn to respect themselves as they become increasingly independent.

Give your child some control by allowing them to make decisions about everyday tasks, such as what clothes they want to wear, which healthy options they might like for a snack, or which seat they’d like at the table. 

REMEMBER: Patience is key.  If your child still can’t zip up their coat, try not to rush them!  Place your hands over theirs and show them exactly how to zzzzip it right up. A little guidance at the start will result in big payoffs when your child can get dressed all by themselves!

Knowing when to ask for help is part of self-respect!

It’s important for your little one to know when and how to ask for help when they are truly stuck. Reaching out for help during tough moments is also an act of self-respect. 

• Remind your child that it’s ok to ask for help – after they’ve tried a task first. 
• Encourage them to “use their words” to let you know when they are feeling stuck, confused, or frustrated – and specifically what they need help with.
  • You might say, “Please tell me with words what you are having trouble with. I may be able to help.”
  • At this age, they may have difficulty with this, so be patient and try to help them find the words. 
• When they’ve tried multiple times and are really struggling, you can offer help by saying, “It looks like you are trying really hard to put those puzzle pieces together, but they aren’t fitting. How can I be helpful?”

Self-Esteem

When your little one is proud of themselves, whether or not things go as planned, they are becoming competent and resilient. At this age, they may feel overly confident about what they can and cannot do, so take care not to take the wind out of their sails! Instead, help them focus on how hard they’ve worked!

It’s easy to make a big deal out of your children’s major accomplishments, but it can be difficult to remember to praise them for the small behaviors, words, and actions that you see as well.  Encouraging, acknowledging, and praising their efforts – big and small – are easy ways to build your child’s confidence.

• Teach your child to use positive thoughts to help boost their self-confidence. At first, this may be difficult, so be their role model and cheerleader! Below are some examples of positive thoughts:
  • “You’ve got this!”
  • “Just try your best.”
  • “It’s okay if you make a mistake.”
• Remind them to use these self-statements when they are facing challenges too. 

Create opportunities for your little one to do things on their own. It’s important for children to feel a sense of pride in working toward a goal (whether or not the goal is reached).

• Giving your child tasks that you know they can complete on their own, such as carrying their plate to the sink or putting their arms in their coat sleeves.
• Setting them up for success with smaller tasks will boost their confidence for more difficult tasks.  

Mistakes will happen, and that’s part of the process!

• If they run into problems completing a task on their own, offer support rather than criticism.
  • Highlight the parts of each situation that went well, and help them decide what they can do to move forward.
  • If they spill their glass of juice on the way to the table and work to clean it up, say “You’re doing a great job cleaning up the juice with the paper towel. Next time, what’s something you can try to make it all the way to the table without spilling?”
• Avoid thinking that your child will never make mistakes. Without feeling pressured to be perfect, they’ll be more likely to try new activities and become more confident in their actions and decisions.
• Teach them that working hard is more important than how well things turn out.

Competence

Encourage your child to explore new things, from getting dressed by themselves to writing their name. You can help them to build competence by helping them to master different skills that will prepare them for the journey ahead.

Jack of All Trades!

Let your little one explore lots of new activities and experiences. 

Give them the reins!

Allow your child to decide what they want to do during their free time. Help them practice decision-making, negotiating with others, and speaking up for themselves.

• Your child’s imagination is very active! Enjoy your child’s ability to create magical worlds with imaginary friends. Watch as they turn laundry baskets into pirate ships and pillow cushions into islands.
• Encourage them to be creative!  Let them use paper and crayons to draw, chalk to play with outside, or even recycled items, like boxes and paper towel rolls!

Help them set age-appropriate goals.

It’s never too early to help your child set daily goals. Learning to be responsible and accomplishing goals will help your child feel more prepared to take on difficult situations in the future.

Give your child small jobs. Let them…

• • Carry their own backpack. 
  • Sign their name on greeting cards.
  • Push the “WALK” button as you get ready to cross the street.

Other ways to help boost your child’s sense of competence include: 

• • Encouraging them to drink from a glass instead of a plastic cup.
  • Letting them cut food with a dull knife (with supervision).
  • Allowing them to use scissors during a craft activity. 
  • Having them bake with you. 

Connect the dots!

Draw connections between similar skills that your child uses for different tasks. Once they are able to make the connections between different types of activities, they will be more confident to try new tasks.

• When your child is able to pour water from one cup into another during bath time, consider giving them a supervised opportunity to try pouring themselves a glass of orange juice or milk with breakfast.
• Children at this age are continuing to learn about right and wrong and how their actions affect those around them. Helping others is a great way to teach your child about how their behavior can have a positive effect on others.
• Find opportunities for your child to be helpful, such as:
  • Feeding a pet.
  • Giving their friend a hug when they look sad.
  • Drawing a picture for someone.

Point out how your child’s actions affect others.  Say things like:

“Look, giving your friend a hug made them feel better. They stopped crying and are now smiling”

Or, when your child helps their younger sibling tie their shoes, respond with:

“Wow! They are so lucky to have a big sister who is so helpful!”

When the going gets tough, the tough get going!

Children with a strong sense of self- competence are willing to try new challenges, even when they come up short the first time.

Let your little one be their own superhero! Don’t immediately jump in to help when you see them having difficulty. Give your child the chance to work through tasks that may be just a bit beyond their ability level.

• Have them try to get themselves dressed, wash their hands, and put toothpaste on their own toothbrush.

Remind them that it’s okay to feel discouraged after trying something for the first time that didn’t go perfectly.

• Encourage them to work through a problem, and show them that you believe they are capable of handling the situation. For more information on problem solving, click here.
• If your child is eating peas, but is having trouble keeping them on the spoon, let them know that they are competent and persistent by saying “Keep trying, you can do it!”
• When they’re having difficulty, ask, “What is another way that might work?” Instead of solving the problem for them, give them hints or clues for what they can do next.

Self-Esteem

Children love when others cheer them on! Not only does this make them happy and motivate them to keep going, but also helps to build their self-esteem. Since your child is still so young, your praise and encouragement are so important for their sense of self-worth. Celebrate their effort to show your child that they should be proud, confident, and happy when they try to complete tasks on their own. As they build greater self-esteem, they are also growing their confidence to try new, more challenging tasks!

Recognize and praise effort!

This teaches them that they are capable!  Encourage them to work through tasks independently – even when they get frustrated or ask you for help.  Let them struggle a little bit before offering to help and communicate your confidence in their abilities!  Click through the following tips to learn more:

Give them time to explore without your help.

Your little one is just starting to learn about what they can and can’t yet do.  Start with small, age-appropriate activities that they can work on in a comfortable, safe place.

• Have them practice imitating your behavior.
• Let them try climbing up and down from a step-stool.
• Give them a crayon or marker and let them scribble.
• Have them search for a “missing” toy that is hidden under blankets or pillows.

Competence

While your child still needs help with many things, there are lots of opportunities for you to help build their competence. Create situations for them to try out skills that build on one another and help them grow. Your child is reaching milestones every day, such as holding a cup and running. Be patient, let them practice, and support them (even when they struggle) to boost their independence.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Give them lots of opportunities to do the same task.  Offer less assistance as they gain confidence and mastery of the skill.

• Have your child turn the pages of a book that you’re reading together, even if they flip multiple pages at a time. Tasks like this can help children build their fine motor skills and increase their patience, attention to detail, and ability to follow directions. 
  
• Be patient, even if it’s easier and quicker for you to do things yourself.  Giving your child opportunities like these helps them to build a strong work ethic and frustration tolerance, so let them practice!
• Once they start mastering some skills, try using two-step instructions, such as “first give me the red block, then pick up the yellow one.”

Have them explore!

Make sure that your little one has time to test out their own abilities, such as:

• Stacking blocks
• Completing simple wooden puzzles
• Dancing to music
• Communicating what they want or need by using words or gestures

Self-Esteem

It’s never too early to boost your child’s self-esteem! At this stage, you’ll be doing most of the heavy lifting. Show them when you are proud of them and celebrate their achievements, no matter how small. Your baby will develop a sense of confidence to do a task again in the future when they feel happy about what they’ve done and see your positive reaction. Children build their sense of competence when they feel proud of their efforts, not just proud of the outcomes.

Baby Steps!

Set up opportunities for your baby to try different activities on their own. As your child starts to realize that they can accomplish their goals, they will try new things and extend their sense of mastery. Good self-esteem is associated with a sense of competence! 

In infancy, your little one is just beginning to develop motor skills – so don’t set the bar too high. Start small.

• Have them watch a favorite toy as it gets passed in front of them.
• Create a comfortable, safe place for them to practice rolling over.
• Have them hold onto your finger to try and pull themselves up. 
• As they get older, have them start doing more complex tasks, such as sitting up without assistance, drinking from a sippy cup, or stacking blocks.

Fumbles and bumbles are bound to happen.

• They will not do things perfectly on their first try, so don’t set this expectation. Show your baby how to navigate difficult or unexpected situations. 

• Support and encourage your child when things don’t work out. As your child is learning to walk, falls are inevitable, try responding with, “Oops, that was surprising. Hop on up and give it another go!” 

Competence

Competence is when your baby builds a wide set of skills that they can use as new adventures come their way. Although their independence may seem limited during the first year of life, there are many ways that you can encourage them. Reaching developmental milestones, such as rolling over, holding their bottle, and walking, all work to build their sense of mastery. Follow their lead and give support along the way.

You may feel like you need to help your little one with everything, and that’s true…for the most part.

Let them test out the water. Allow them to try tasks that may be challenging at first. Lend a helping hand if they need assistance after trying multiple times on their own.

Let your baby have some tummy time – even for just a few minutes. Lay in front of them or place a colorful toy near them to entertain them.

Give your baby the chance to self-soothe. As they realize that they can calm themselves, they will become better at handling strong emotions.

Let your child experiment with ways to grab a toy that is just out of their reach. Let them lean, reach, scooch, or crawl!

Have your 10-month-old try using their thumb and index finger to feed themselves, and make sure to encourage their efforts!

Practice, Practice, Practice!

Let your baby try different tasks without too much assistance from you so they can develop important skills that they’ll need throughout childhood. 

• Have your baby put toys into a container, such as a bowl. It may take a while for them to get it, but this will build their fine motor skills, sense of mastery, and ability to handle frustration.
• Remember, doing tasks for them to “make things easier” will actually make things harder for them (and you) in the long run. Resist the urge to jump in and be patient while they figure it out!

Create opportunities for them to do the same task multiple times to help them feel like they’ve mastered it. Then, find small ways to slightly change the task to encourage growth and learning. 

• When your 8-month-old can pick up small pieces of food, make it a little harder by giving them slippery food, like pasta with sauce or butter.