In my 12 years of teaching third graders, sex often comes up organically within the classroom, typically because students wonder aloud about it having made connections to curriculum or class discussions. For instance, a few years ago, while teaching about the transcontinental railroad, one of the kids asked what that had to do with “transgender people.” On another occasion, students asked how it is that two men or two women are able to have babies, which was especially relevant at a time when gay members of our community were joyfully preparing to welcome children into their families.
(As a reference point, third graders are 8-9 years old.)
There is a fine line that must be walked in moments like this. On the one hand, we don’t want kids to feel that any of their questions are taboo or inappropriate, and whether they are in a classroom or at home, they need a safe space in which they are allowed to question without fear of being judged or reprimanded. On the other hand, many issues, sex included, feel quite delicate, and as a parent (and an educator), we often feel ill-equipped to provide candid, factual, and age-appropriate information.
I will say that many times, my third graders have told me that they have tried to talk about these issues at home, but to no avail. I will also say that they are exposed to far more information than we realize, not only from media, but from friends or siblings who are learning about sex. So many conversations take place in the hallways and on the playground, and we can’t monitor them all. My daughters are only 6 and 8 years old, and even they started asking questions about sex when I thought they were too young to have it on their radar. In order to prevent kids from getting the wrong information from the wrong people, it’s better for parents to take the initiative to have the conversation before it starts to take place “underground” outside of the home, a place over which parents have no control.
But, hey, this is much easier said than done. My 6-year old daughter, Stella, recently asked me what “the s-word” is. I was so paralyzed with doubt about whether or not it was responsible parenting to answer her, that I referred her to her 8-year old sister, Madelyn, for help. It didn’t take long before I realized I had ceded my authority and credibility as their mother by failing to take control of the situation. In no small part, this was the result of a conversation I had with my sister, a psychologist, who reminded me that answering our children’s questions IS a responsible parenting decision, so I quickly found Stella told her what “the s-word” is and followed up by telling her that if I hear her say it, she loses screen time for a week! (By the way, I am careful about monitoring my own language at home; being a positive role model for our children is what guides them towards making safe, healthy, productive choices when they are out of our sight.)
There are plenty of books and websites available to help us learn how to navigate dialogue with children all over the age spectrum, and being prepared in advance for difficult conversations is important; when our children sense our own discomfort around a certain topic, they intuit that the topic is “inappropriate,” feel our sense of inadequacy, and subsequently become less likely to consider us a resource they can use to find the answers they seek. Figure out what you are and are not prepared to talk about yet–disease, sex, language, addiction–and then figure out how you can get yourself ready. The question is not whether or not your children will need your help; it’s only a matter of when.