I know I have to take care of myself. When I am stressed out, the world becomes more challenging to deal with. While it may appear counterintuitive and self-indulgent, devoting attention to my own well-being, rather than focusing solely on the responsibilities I have to everyone and everything else, means that 1) I have more energy, 2) my mental and emotional resources are more easily accessible, and 3) life seems less effortful. I regularly pursue what which settles me down: music, walks, naps, exercise, massage…and, I admit it, McDonalds and the Twilight films. (Don’t judge me!) When it comes to parenting, I make sure that my girls’ busy lives are tempered by plenty
of play, downtime, and the things they love…most of which they want to do with me. The more I take care of myself, the better I can take care of the girls. True, they are sometimes resentful that I am “choosing” to spend time with myself instead of with them, but I am teaching how important it is that self-care be part of their own routines. I am teaching them to acknowledge and live with their emotional vulnerability, and to honor and respect themselves by finding the space they need to process their experiences.
Yet another strategy I have is to regularly seek out support. I talk with my husband, my parents, my sisters, my friends, my colleagues, and especially with my therapist, who I often refer to as my “feelings doctor.” I don’t hide my relationship with her from my girls; therapy provides me with a safe space in which I can address the complexity of my life, resolve some of my emotional baggage, and do so without fear of judgment. Other people are incredible resources; they offer wisdom and advice that I often sorely need, and they gratify my need for love and empathy. The catch in these relationships is that I have to be open; human connection requires a willingness on our part to abandon defenses, and to do so, we need to trust unconditional acceptance when it is offered to us. An important part of parenting is seeing our children for who they are and communicating that we love ALL of them, not just the parts that are easy. I feel like I come into my own as a mother when I allow my daughters to experience the full range of their emotions without labeling any of them as “good” or “bad.” The last thing I’d want is for them to repress their feelings; if it doesn’t come out straight, it comes out crooked.
Finally, there is an elephant in the room that needs to be addressed, and that elephant is named Medication. Some of us have clinically significant diagnoses that are best addressed with the guidance of a skilled psychopharmacologist. We like to think we can gain control of our emotions with the right focus and determination, but brains work in heady ways. We are hard-wired for feeling, but it goes haywire at least some of the time. It’s okay; there are pills for that. We should pursue our emotional health by all means available: a healthy diet, plenty of exercise, time for reflection, friendships, and a willingness to believe that we are not broken.
I wish there was an easy solution for always keeping my cool; it would be so much easier if I could follow some series of steps that POOF! Make me feel calm, cool, and collected. Unfortunately, life is not that easy. We arrive at every moment different than we were the moment before, and what worked for us once may not work for us now. As I try to be a parent, so too do I try to live my life as fully and openly and unabashedly as I can. I think I’ve become a pretty decent, confident, delightful person in spite of my varied flaws. I demonstrate that for them everyday, in the kindnesses I extend to others, in my ability to laugh at myself, and in my efforts to be resilient. I think it would be okay if they turn out like me, but my job is to guide them towards becoming themselves. I can do that by witnessing and validating their experiences and loving them with my whole heart…even if they do sometimes make me crazy!